NCLEX Schmenclex

The morning of NCLEX.  I actually slept well, which I will attribute to the mindfulness session just before falling asleep.  I woke up at 5:45am.  I was able to see Erin for a bit before she left for work.  Erin was calm and collected and told me to do my best and that she loved me and knew that I would pass.  Her great line was “this test is going to suck, you know that, but you will do great!”  She never once doubted me!  Well, if she did, she certainly covered it up well!  She left shortly after for work.  I proceeded to make myself an egg and toast.  I forced myself to eat most of it.  I also had a small cup of coffee for fear without it, I would get a caffeine headache.  My stomach was in knots.  I also took the advice of my friend to do about 20 test questions that morning.  In theory it would be helpful to get my brain warmed up.  Well at least that is what I told myself.  I was in a better mood that morning, compared to the previous night, and actually did a bit better on the test questions.  It gave me a very small bit of confidence, which was next to nothing.  After I ate my breakfast, I got dressed.  I dressed in layers, per the suggestion of the live review instructor.  I wore comfortable clothes, but nothing that resembled a coat.  I packed a few small snacks and a sparkling water, grabbed my confirmation of my appointment and headed out to my car.  I had the fleeting thought, “what if my car doesn't start?!”  Test anxiety in full force!  Oh, I also had a card from my Erin.  I started my car and opened the card.  It gave me wet eyes, which I was afraid of. I was on the edge with my emotions.  Anything could and did push me over said edge.  There was also a Dunkin Donuts gift cert in it.  Erin suggested I go get a donut and a latte after the test.  She is so sweet and so thoughtful.  Did I mention how amazing my wife is?!

I was now enroute to the testing center.  It definitely helped doing the dry run the week before.  I was a tad less nervous.  I was listening to music and trying to take deep breaths.  I parked at 7:15am.  My exam started at 8am.  I sat in my car and focused on my breathing for a bit more.  I texted Erin and then at 7:25, I headed into the testing center.  Nervous bladder was also trying to destroy me, so I hit the bathroom before heading into the office.  Once in the office, I saw a fellow classmate!  That put me a little bit at ease.  She was also visibly nervous.  I had a little bit of a wait, but sooner than later, I was registered, snacks in a locker and heading in to take NCLEX.  I was so nervous, I could feel and see my hands shaking.  I also could hear my heartbeat as I put on the noise cancelling headphones.  I took deep breaths and tried to stay in the moment.  I told myself repeatedly to do my best and not get too ahead of myself with my thoughts (of failing). 

So a little bit about NCLEX, for those that are not familiar.  NCLEX tests minimal competency.  Basically, they want to ensure you won’t hurt someone as a new nurse.  The test can be anywhere from 75-265 questions.  It is an adapted test, meaning the computer will start at one level, if you get the question right, it gets harder, if you get it wrong it gets easier.  You have to prove that you are competent based on some standard.  This scared me!  I knew I would at least get 75 questions.  So, when 75 came and went, I decided I needed to take a quick break.  I needed to walk and to clear my mind.  I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, and gave myself my 43523rd pep talk of the day.  I took some deep breaths and headed back into the test.  I forgot that once I was there for two hours, I would get a break.  A few questions back in the test, my screen reminded me of said break.  It scared me!  I declined the break.  At this point, I had no clue when the computer would shut off!  I didn’t realize how nerve racking that part of it would be.  It was brutal!  Every time I went to the next question I wondered if that was the last one.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait that long.  My computer shut off at 93 (or maybe it was 94) questions.  Blank screen, and cue Katie’s anxiety level to shoot through the roof!  Then, if this whole process wasn’t cruel enough, I had to answer evaluation questions.  I couldn't even tell you what those questions were about.  I flew through them and just wanted to get the heck out of there!  Once I was done, I calmly walked out of the testing center.  What to do now?!  I was near a Whole Foods, so I parked and just sat in my car for a  few.  I texted Erin and my family to say that I was done and that I was 100% sure I failed.  I had zero confidence.  I felt defeated.  It was awful.  I hoped I would have some relief once I was done, but no such luck.  So, I headed into Whole Foods for a quick walk around.  It was too overwhelming.  I left and remembered I had a DD gift cert.  I drove to DD, went inside and ordered a pumpkin latte and a half dozen donuts.  My plan was (not to eat all 6 donuts!) to head to my brother and soon to be SIL’s house and make them eat donuts with me.  Unfortunately, they were working, so I

went home.

I put on some mindless TV and ate my pumpkin donut and drank my (way too sweet) pumpkin latte.  It was delicious.  I tried to nap, but my mind was racing.  There were so many things I had wanted to do when I was trying to study, but now that I had the time, I just wanted to sulk.  I was texting a few more people, including my advisor.  She was convinced I passed after I told her I was convinced I failed and had 93/94 questions.  She then said she has heard people getting same day results.  I thought that was crazy, but I still obsessively checked the state website. 

Erin came home around 5 and we headed down to my brother and SIL’s house for dinner.  My sister also joined us a bit later.  We ordered an insane amount of Chinese food.  Good thing my appetite was slowly coming back.  We hung out there for a  bit, but around 930, Erin and I were exhausted and headed home. 

The next day I spent my morning and early afternoon being the research assistant.  The NP, a med student and I were able to gather the rest of the data!  It went quick, which I was pretty happy about.  I wanted to go home and try to relax.  All I could think about was NCLEX and getting my results!  Once I was home, we went back to E and H’s house for left over Chinese.  It was yummy!  We then went home and watched tv the rest of the evening!  It was pretty great.

The next morning, I was wide awake at 6:30am.  I checked the state website…nothing, which I expected.  I then checked the testing site, and it still said my results were unavailable.  My friends told me to check 48 hours from when I had finished the test and I should be able to purchase early results.  It was $8, and you better believe I had planned on paying for early results.  I kept checking and nothing.  My stomach was doing flips!  Erin woke up and started doing some school work.  I checked again around 9:30am ( I think I finished the test around 10am).  To my surprise, my results were available to purchase.  Cue major freak out!  Erin was excited and said, get it! Do it!  I laid on the couch, feeling my heart racing, and just stared at my phone.  I didn’t know what to do. The longer I wait, the more nervous I would get, but at least I didn’t know I failed.  I also didn’t know if I had passed.  I was in limbo and somewhat safe.  Well, after about 20 minutes of sheer agony, I grabbed my debit card.  Erin and I had plans later that day to visit with a family I used to nanny for.  Before getting my results, I told Erin, if I failed, plans were going to be cancelled.  I put in my card info, shaking the entire time.  There were a couple screens I had to go though.  Then, all of a sudden, I saw it, “PASS.”  I could hardly believe it!  I shouted “I PASSED!! I PASSED” to Erin.  She ran over to hug me and to see for herself!  Holy crap!  I passed my nursing boards!  I am now an RN!!  It didn’t feel real!  I called my parents and my brother and sister.  They were thrilled for me!  Erin called her family to say I passed and to explain why she lied about my test date for me (sorry Fitzs!).  I texted my nursing school friends, and my advisor.  I then, of course, let everyone else know via Facebook, with my new credentials after my name.  It was quite an amazing feeling!

The next morning, I checked the state website and saw my name, my license number and Registered Nurse listed J  How crazy is that!  I still think it really hasn’t sunk in.  I am looking forward to celebrating sometime soon!  Friday night we are having dinner with our best buds and their twins.  I can’t wait!!