One Week Later

This morning, I was taken back to a week ago.  I am so beyond thankful I passed NCLEX and do not have that awful nervous/anxious/panic feeling anymore.  That was brutal.  But, I somehow made it through!  Pretty sure you couldn't pay me to go back and relive any of that!

This pretty much sums up my thoughts about nursing school and NCLEX...

Next big thing is finding a job.  Of course I am already nervous about the idea of interviews and then actually being a nurse!  I am excited to see where I end up AND to have an income again!

Here area  few other fun pics I have found along the way, so so so glad they are applicable to me now!

I joke with Erin that the one main thing we both learned on this long journey...Katie does NOT handle stress well.  Sorry babes, I know I have been very difficult to live with.  It can only get better, right!?

NCLEX Schmenclex

The morning of NCLEX.  I actually slept well, which I will attribute to the mindfulness session just before falling asleep.  I woke up at 5:45am.  I was able to see Erin for a bit before she left for work.  Erin was calm and collected and told me to do my best and that she loved me and knew that I would pass.  Her great line was “this test is going to suck, you know that, but you will do great!”  She never once doubted me!  Well, if she did, she certainly covered it up well!  She left shortly after for work.  I proceeded to make myself an egg and toast.  I forced myself to eat most of it.  I also had a small cup of coffee for fear without it, I would get a caffeine headache.  My stomach was in knots.  I also took the advice of my friend to do about 20 test questions that morning.  In theory it would be helpful to get my brain warmed up.  Well at least that is what I told myself.  I was in a better mood that morning, compared to the previous night, and actually did a bit better on the test questions.  It gave me a very small bit of confidence, which was next to nothing.  After I ate my breakfast, I got dressed.  I dressed in layers, per the suggestion of the live review instructor.  I wore comfortable clothes, but nothing that resembled a coat.  I packed a few small snacks and a sparkling water, grabbed my confirmation of my appointment and headed out to my car.  I had the fleeting thought, “what if my car doesn't start?!”  Test anxiety in full force!  Oh, I also had a card from my Erin.  I started my car and opened the card.  It gave me wet eyes, which I was afraid of. I was on the edge with my emotions.  Anything could and did push me over said edge.  There was also a Dunkin Donuts gift cert in it.  Erin suggested I go get a donut and a latte after the test.  She is so sweet and so thoughtful.  Did I mention how amazing my wife is?!

I was now enroute to the testing center.  It definitely helped doing the dry run the week before.  I was a tad less nervous.  I was listening to music and trying to take deep breaths.  I parked at 7:15am.  My exam started at 8am.  I sat in my car and focused on my breathing for a bit more.  I texted Erin and then at 7:25, I headed into the testing center.  Nervous bladder was also trying to destroy me, so I hit the bathroom before heading into the office.  Once in the office, I saw a fellow classmate!  That put me a little bit at ease.  She was also visibly nervous.  I had a little bit of a wait, but sooner than later, I was registered, snacks in a locker and heading in to take NCLEX.  I was so nervous, I could feel and see my hands shaking.  I also could hear my heartbeat as I put on the noise cancelling headphones.  I took deep breaths and tried to stay in the moment.  I told myself repeatedly to do my best and not get too ahead of myself with my thoughts (of failing). 

So a little bit about NCLEX, for those that are not familiar.  NCLEX tests minimal competency.  Basically, they want to ensure you won’t hurt someone as a new nurse.  The test can be anywhere from 75-265 questions.  It is an adapted test, meaning the computer will start at one level, if you get the question right, it gets harder, if you get it wrong it gets easier.  You have to prove that you are competent based on some standard.  This scared me!  I knew I would at least get 75 questions.  So, when 75 came and went, I decided I needed to take a quick break.  I needed to walk and to clear my mind.  I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, and gave myself my 43523rd pep talk of the day.  I took some deep breaths and headed back into the test.  I forgot that once I was there for two hours, I would get a break.  A few questions back in the test, my screen reminded me of said break.  It scared me!  I declined the break.  At this point, I had no clue when the computer would shut off!  I didn’t realize how nerve racking that part of it would be.  It was brutal!  Every time I went to the next question I wondered if that was the last one.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait that long.  My computer shut off at 93 (or maybe it was 94) questions.  Blank screen, and cue Katie’s anxiety level to shoot through the roof!  Then, if this whole process wasn’t cruel enough, I had to answer evaluation questions.  I couldn't even tell you what those questions were about.  I flew through them and just wanted to get the heck out of there!  Once I was done, I calmly walked out of the testing center.  What to do now?!  I was near a Whole Foods, so I parked and just sat in my car for a  few.  I texted Erin and my family to say that I was done and that I was 100% sure I failed.  I had zero confidence.  I felt defeated.  It was awful.  I hoped I would have some relief once I was done, but no such luck.  So, I headed into Whole Foods for a quick walk around.  It was too overwhelming.  I left and remembered I had a DD gift cert.  I drove to DD, went inside and ordered a pumpkin latte and a half dozen donuts.  My plan was (not to eat all 6 donuts!) to head to my brother and soon to be SIL’s house and make them eat donuts with me.  Unfortunately, they were working, so I

went home.

I put on some mindless TV and ate my pumpkin donut and drank my (way too sweet) pumpkin latte.  It was delicious.  I tried to nap, but my mind was racing.  There were so many things I had wanted to do when I was trying to study, but now that I had the time, I just wanted to sulk.  I was texting a few more people, including my advisor.  She was convinced I passed after I told her I was convinced I failed and had 93/94 questions.  She then said she has heard people getting same day results.  I thought that was crazy, but I still obsessively checked the state website. 

Erin came home around 5 and we headed down to my brother and SIL’s house for dinner.  My sister also joined us a bit later.  We ordered an insane amount of Chinese food.  Good thing my appetite was slowly coming back.  We hung out there for a  bit, but around 930, Erin and I were exhausted and headed home. 

The next day I spent my morning and early afternoon being the research assistant.  The NP, a med student and I were able to gather the rest of the data!  It went quick, which I was pretty happy about.  I wanted to go home and try to relax.  All I could think about was NCLEX and getting my results!  Once I was home, we went back to E and H’s house for left over Chinese.  It was yummy!  We then went home and watched tv the rest of the evening!  It was pretty great.

The next morning, I was wide awake at 6:30am.  I checked the state website…nothing, which I expected.  I then checked the testing site, and it still said my results were unavailable.  My friends told me to check 48 hours from when I had finished the test and I should be able to purchase early results.  It was $8, and you better believe I had planned on paying for early results.  I kept checking and nothing.  My stomach was doing flips!  Erin woke up and started doing some school work.  I checked again around 9:30am ( I think I finished the test around 10am).  To my surprise, my results were available to purchase.  Cue major freak out!  Erin was excited and said, get it! Do it!  I laid on the couch, feeling my heart racing, and just stared at my phone.  I didn’t know what to do. The longer I wait, the more nervous I would get, but at least I didn’t know I failed.  I also didn’t know if I had passed.  I was in limbo and somewhat safe.  Well, after about 20 minutes of sheer agony, I grabbed my debit card.  Erin and I had plans later that day to visit with a family I used to nanny for.  Before getting my results, I told Erin, if I failed, plans were going to be cancelled.  I put in my card info, shaking the entire time.  There were a couple screens I had to go though.  Then, all of a sudden, I saw it, “PASS.”  I could hardly believe it!  I shouted “I PASSED!! I PASSED” to Erin.  She ran over to hug me and to see for herself!  Holy crap!  I passed my nursing boards!  I am now an RN!!  It didn’t feel real!  I called my parents and my brother and sister.  They were thrilled for me!  Erin called her family to say I passed and to explain why she lied about my test date for me (sorry Fitzs!).  I texted my nursing school friends, and my advisor.  I then, of course, let everyone else know via Facebook, with my new credentials after my name.  It was quite an amazing feeling!

The next morning, I checked the state website and saw my name, my license number and Registered Nurse listed J  How crazy is that!  I still think it really hasn’t sunk in.  I am looking forward to celebrating sometime soon!  Friday night we are having dinner with our best buds and their twins.  I can’t wait!!

A Look Back

I started this post about a month ago...lets edit some and I will continue with it :)

September 25...holy crap I graduated just about two months ago!  Where does the time go??  I just asked Erin why July didn't go by that quickly?

So, I graduated on a Tuesday and that Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I spent 21 hours in the lecture hall for NCLEX review.  I was exhausted.  I think I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained.  I know I got something out of that study session, but I am struggling to recall any of that now.  After that exhausting and exciting week, I took some time off to sleep, clean the house, relax, watch mindless television, take a week trip to the beach and a week trip to Michigan!  I did get some not so serious study time in, including reading my pharmacology notebook on the beach!  In all seriousness, I need to focus and spend the next few weeks with my nose back in my nursing notes and laptop.  Hooray!

I am still in awe that I actually finished nursing school.  How in the world did I do that?!?!  Oh yeah, with my HUGE support system behind me!  Thank you my wonderful family and friends.  I am in awe with my wife as well.  She put up with me like a champ and never once complained.  In this month since I have been done, she did say how hard that last month was.  It was the only time her mom actually noticed that she was stressed.  Poor Erin, I am so lucky she is so so good to me!

The month of August was pretty great.  I was enjoying time with Erin and time with our families.  The first thing Erin and I did was celebrate my birthday :)  It was crazy to think that a whole year had gone by!  The year before, I had clinical all day, followed by a sushi dinner with my girl.  I also got the greatest gift of sharing my birthday with some pretty special twins!  Can't believe they are a year old already!!  This year, Erin and I had breakfast from a little diner near us with Erik and Helene.  We then headed to the city to walk around, shop a little and have a delicious sushi lunch.  We stopped over to wish the twins a happy birthday on our way back form the city and for dinner, Erin and I ordered from our fave Indian take out restaurant.  Clearly my day was shaped around my meals.  It was wonderful!!

mmmm sushi

Driving with my Erin

A little ring dish we found at a boutique shop :)

Happy birthday cupcake from my bud :)

Cheers to 33 years!  I can't wait to see what this year has in store!

 After the day of celebrating, Erin and I headed to the beach for a week with Erin's family.  The beach week was great!  I was definitely more relaxed and tried to let it sink in that I was done with nursing school.  I didn't have classes to worry about starting up in the fall.  That was the first time that was happening since 2010!  That was somewhat hard to adjust to.  I talked with Erin's dad a lot about that feeling.  Not really tom compare my situation to his.  He just retired from 40 some years of teaching and being a guidance counselor.  He wasn't really able to describe the feeling either!  Haha my lack of school starting in the fall was a mere 4 years, his was over 40!!

Sitting (for a couple hours) in dreaded shore traffic

Finally in Sea Isle!!

A night of Putt Putt...um, I mean Mini Golf ;)

This lil dude LOVES watermelon!

A quick shot of Bev and Jack waiting in the long line for a delicious  seafood dinner :)

Watching the sunrise :)  Erin, you are so tiny!

After a week at the beach, Erin and I had a few days at home to unpack, relax, and snuggle with our pup.  Before we knew it, we were packing again for our trip to Michigan.  We were flying out of a small airport in Wilmington.  It was only $200 for both of us round trip!  Sounds too good to be true, right!?  Oh, it sure was!  We left at 2:30pm to head to the airport.  After numerous delays due to weather and a small toy rocket engine, we finally landed in Detroit a little after midnight...about five hours later than expected.  We got to my parents house around 1:30am...SO we could have driven and made it there quicker.  Ridiculous!  Overall we had a great visit.  Erin and I walked for some exercise around my neighborhood where I remember bike riding.  We visited some great friends, had some great friends visit us and went to a wedding.  I also saw the family I used to nanny, which is always a treat!  Here are some pictures from the trip.

Trying to pass the time on the loooong delay.

My little Gram and me :)

A couple pics from the wedding!

I also came across these gems...

No Erin, I am not posting the others, they are far too embarrassing!

After we got back from Michigan, we enjoyed a week of summer at home!  I didn't want to see another suitcase for a long time.  We really only had that one week together before Erin had to head back to school.  I can't really remember what we did.  Caught up on shows, clean up the yard, hang and walk the pup, visit with friends and all the cute little babies and toddlers in our world, and just enjoyed having time together.  The weekend before Erin went back to school, we had another wedding to go to!

Personalized glasses, so fun :)

So, after a fun-filled and BUSY August, it was back to reality.  Erin started school actually the last week of August (just teacher days) and then with kiddos the day after Labor Day.  I then got my act together and got a lot more serious about studying for the dreaded NCLEX.  I met up with some school friends for lunch and they advised me to schedule my exam sooner than later as the dates were filling up!  I also thought once I had a date, it would really be the motivation I needed to really focus and have a plan for effective studying.

I finally received my ATT, or authorization to test.  I had to call the state office because it had been weeks and I still didn't have the code so I could schedule my exam.  Well, of course, I forgot a step so I was the hold-up!  Once I got that situated, I received the ATT within an hour!  I logged in to Pearson Vue and found the test site closest to me and looked for available dates.  I chose a Friday morning, three weeks ahead.  September 19 was my day.  I could have picked between 8am and 2pm.  Without a moments hesitation, I picked 8am.  I am always up so early and if I had hours and hours to wait for that exam, I would have for sure had a nervous breakdown.  I was scared, but also had a sense of relief to know that in three weeks it would be over.  Well at least the first time taking the test would be over.  I was barely convinced I had a chance to pass this exam.

I spent my days following the study plan from the review course from ATI.  This program we used throughout the program and then had many practice tests to go through to prep for NCLEX.  I was also convinced I had to do Kaplan, but it was $400 for the prep course and access to all the practice questions.  I struggled with this and after talking to Erin a lot and my advisor, I opted not to take Kaplan.  I believe my advisor said, "take that $400 and take Erin away for a weekend!"  At first, I was very comfortable with this decision.  As the test got closer, I was second guessing it and this added to my stress and panic.  Awesome.  I just kept chugging away at practice questions.  Three of my closest friends passed NCLEX in the couple weeks before my exam.  I was thrilled for them, but just felt more pressure to make sure I would pass.  I talked with one of my friends about a week after she took the exam.  She was helpful in telling me how she felt once the test was over.  She felt awful, 100% thought she failed and just didn't feel she had prepared enough.  I felt worse after hearing all this!  Although, it was information that I already knew.  It was just hard hearing it from my friend who sat by me through this whole program.  It was something else to hear it from past graduates that I didn't know at all.  I am not sure if that makes any sense.  I was stressed to the max!

The week before I took NCLEX was my first day with the nurse practitioner and my role as research assistant.  It was great!  It was a long day, and after a few hiccups with my log in to the computer system, and getting my badge and a TB test, we got to work.  I spent about nine hours there and we barely made a dent in the data collection!  The NP told me to take the following week to focus on NCLEX (cue more stress) and we could plan to meet up after I took the test.  Literally, right after I took the test.  I was scheduled to go back to the hospital the day after my exam!  At least it would be a distraction.

One cool thing, I had the TB test done at the hospital and the  nurse told me I could just have a friend (who is a nurse) read the results and just fax the form back.  SO, I called my friend who had just passed her exam to read the test and sign.  I believe this was her first act as a licensed RN!  That was pretty cool.

I was now a week before the test.  The Friday before my exam, I got up and drove the route to the testing site to see what traffic was like and to ensure I knew where I was going.  One less worry for the day of the test.  I kept my test date quiet as I didn't want to have people know when I took the test in the event I failed.  I was terrified of failing and the thought of having to tell everyone I failed would be of pure embarrassment.  I told my brother and sister, because the asked and I couldn't straight up lie.  Clearly, Erin knew, although I am sure she would have loved to have been anywhere else the week before my exam!  I was by no means pleasant to be around (that might be a bit of an understatement).  The week of the exam, I took more practice tests.

The day before the exam, I met with another friend who had just passed the exam for breakfast.  I forced myself to try to eat at least half of my omelet and toast.  She gave me the logistics of the testing site, what to expect before and after the test.  It was helpful to know where to turn after I got off the elevator, what to bring, and a couple ideas of what to do after the exam to help calm my nerves.  After our meeting, I headed home and got right back to work of going through practice questions.  I read the rationales of all answers, right and wrong, just to get any and all information into my brain.  My plan was to work until Erin came home and at that point I would be done studying and focus more on relaxing.  Well, I should have stuck to that plan.  When Erin got home, I was a mess.  I was breaking down and just wanted to give up.  She convinced me to go to the festival in our neighborhood for a little bite to eat and to try and help me relax.  I reluctantly went, but was glad for a change of scenery once we got there.  My stomach was in knots, so I didn't eat anything from all the delicious food trucks.  I did get a beer that I shared with Erin,  I knew I didn't want a full beer, too afraid it would mess my stomach up more.  After about an hour at the festival and visiting with friends and their adorable kiddos, we walked home.  I was so scared and decided that it would be a good idea to do a few more practice questions.  Erin, the wonderful wife that she is, even went through some questions with me.  (seriously, how did I get so lucky to have the most amazing wife in the world).  I forced myself to eat a yogurt and some fruit when I got home.  I hadn't eaten anything since the omelet at 9:30am.  It was now about 8pm!  The lack of food was certainly not helping my mood and stress level.  WE went through about 30 questions.  I was getting so many wrong for all the wrong reasons!  I lost it.  Complete breakdown. I wanted to quit everything.  After about 30 questions, I finally gave up and headed to bed.  I should have never looked at any more questions!!  After I got into bed, I listened to a session of mindfulness from one of my previous clinical instructors.  It focused on breathing and helped me to relax.  It was only about 20 minutes long and I was fast asleep after that was over.  Whew!